My Stupid Mission: FAIL!
by Polyonymous Smith
Summary: "I just want you to infiltrate the akatsuki's hideout." Tsunade-sama said. "Become a jounin or accept this dangerous mission. Your choice. I'm giving you a generous offer here." "I'm going to act as a spy for Tsunade-sama. Sounds erratically fun." I said. "I choose the S-ranked mission. " "No go backs Seikatsu." "No go backs." I repeat. DEIDARAxOC
1. Mission

"Seikatsu," I heard my elder brother say. "Isn't it time for you to become a jounin?"

I breathed a sigh as I rolled my eyes. We always had talks like this. He never get tired of persuading me to take that senseless jounin exam. Apparently I don't plan to. Never will. "Kikazu-niisan," I started. "Aren't you exhausted of repeating that question _every_ second of the day?"

"Now that's just exaggerating." My brother stated, laughing it off. "We all know that it's necessary for me to remind you to take that exam. Wouldn't make our parents proud from above if you keep that stubborn attitude of yours."

"Nii-san, how many times do I have to tell you I don't want to become a jounin? It's too cliché y'know?" I walked towards the fridge and took out a strawberry milk carton, removed the cap and drank from it. Not bothering to pour it on a glass.

Apparently my brother noticed this and stole the carton from my hand. "Since when did you base your future to what's cliché and what's not?!"

"That's not what I meant. I just don't like jounins. I don't like what they do. I might become a teacher all the way. And you know well that I'm not good with kids." I faced him, folding my arms.

He brushed his bangs away from his eyes as he slouched. "Seikatsu, you're already 18! For fucking sake, can't act your age for once?! I've respected your decisions ever since, but you've gone too far now. Know your responsibilities!"

"You don't have to shout, if you think shouting will get what you want, well no, you're wrong. I know my responsibilities and I know what I must be doing with my life." I said, exasperated. "I don't want my future to be like… like the other ninjas out there. Letting their lives be controlled by the way our world works… I want to live by my own rules. By my own aesthetics."

"Y'know what? Do what you want. I'm tired of doing this. I just hope you won't regret your decision in the latter." Kikazu-niisan left the kitchen and teleported to somewhere who knows.

He forces me to become a jounin since it would be a huge embarrassment to our clan if I wouldn't. Fe, who cares about what our elders would say? I have my own fucking life, they don't have the right to tell me what shit I should be doing.

Yeah, that's what I believe. Hijoshikina, Seikatsu is not your usual heroine, but nevertheless, I'm still one hell of an awesome kunoichi~!

**XXXX:**

"You must be wondering why Tsunade-sama called you huh Sei-chan?" my brother said, now using my nickname. It's as if we didn't argue a while ago.

"Yeah, why'd you call 'baa-chan?" I stood there, waiting for her to say something. _What the heck is their problem anyway?! I want to go back home and lie down! _

"I've heard from your brother that you don't want to become a jounin…" She let her sentence trail off. "Fine then, I'm giving you an option."

"Sounds weird, what is it?" I asked, sounding sarcastically curious.

"I'm simply giving you an S-ranked mission." She deviously grinned. _What? What does that supposed to mean? Since our kekkei genkai allows us to read someone's mind, should I read her mind and find out her hidden agenda? _

"No." My brother sternly said, his eyes changing into a bluish hue. He must've read my thoughts. I shrugged and let Tsunade'baa-chan explain what the mission was all about.

"The Hijoshikina clan is well known for their ability to read minds yes?" she started.

"Yeah, but there's a disadvantage to it. We can't read some stranger's thoughts if you think we're able to do that." I said, not minding if I interrupted the hokage.

"Oy, kuso'onna! You don't interrupt me! Anywho, I just want you to infiltrate the akatsuki's hideout."

I blinked a few times as her words registered in my brain. _Eh? Infiltrate? Akatsuki? Eeeeh?! _"Like a spy? I'm like going to pretend to be an S-ranked criminal or something? Pretend to like, want to be an akatsuki member? Is that what you're saying?"

She nodded in response.

"Isn't that job for anbus?" I asked as I raised my brow.

"Yes. But since you won't become a jounin this is the other option you must choose."

"'Baa-chan you're such a sly." I grinned. "Alright, it's like I have a choice—"

"Oh but you have." She interrupted. "Become a jounin or accept this dangerous mission. Your choice. I'm giving you a generous offer here."

Oh, so this is their hidden agenda. They're using reverse psychology. I knew she wouldn't allow me to remain as a chuunin forever. But I won't take any chances. "Alright."

"At last, you're finally becoming a jounin!" my brother sighed in relief.

"Who told you I chose the first option? I chose the latter. I'm going to act as a spy for Tsunade-sama. Sounds erratically fun."I said, I can't contain the joy from my voice.

"WHAT?!" they both exclaimed in unison. "YOU CHOSE WHAT?!"

"I choose the S-ranked mission. Is there a problem?" I asked, deadpan.

"A-alright. No go backs Seikatsu. No go backs." Tsunade-sama warned.

"No go backs." I repeated.

My brother and I went home right after. Kikazu-niisan was conspicuously devastated with my decision as he sighed and looked at me wearily.

I was to leave Konohagakure in the morning, so I was forced to sleep early that night. My brother kissed my forehead as he turned off the lights in my room, still not talking to me.

**XXXX:**

I woke up early, prepared my things and took a bath. I wrote a letter for my twin siblings and for Kikazu-niisan and left. Not bothering to wait for them to wake up. I don't want to disturb their slumber.

I was actually panicking when I left our village. Since I forgot to ask Tsunade-sama where I should find an Akatsuki member. I sat under a tree and felt exhausted.

Just when I was about to leave I heard two males approaching. I immediately looked for a place to hide and decided to cover myself with bushes.

"It's not my fault they died, hm." A man stated, sounding rather irritated. "They didn't understand my art, so why would I waste my time and understand their pleas? Shitty bastards."

"Deidara," the other man said, "You are stupid if you believe your lame, pathetic perception is art. Art is eternal beauty and is not transient that departs quickly. Art must be left long into the future."

"Sasori-no danna, I respect you as a fellow artist but your belief is somewhat idiotic, hm." I took a peek and saw this beautiful lady with golden hair speak. Very peculiar to have such a low voice for a pretty kunoichi.

It wasn't long enough when I realized that those two idiots are from Akatsuki. Judging from their black cloaks, that is.

I emerged from the bushes and politely introduced myself. "Sup niggas?" _okay, it may not be that polite to suddenly interrupt someone's conversation with a "sup niggas?" especially if they're criminals… but come on, I'm a Seikatsu and that's simply how I roll. _

"She's a criminal from konohagakure, hm." The pretty lady stated as she examined me. "What should we do with her?"

The other guy that looked exactly like a rotten potato just stared at me.

"My, would you like to know how art feels like?" the pretty lady asked, as she caressed my face.

"Deidara, tie her up. She might be some of help in regarding the nine tails." The rotten potato guy said.

"Ahh, an interrogation, hm. Sounds nice." She tied my hands with a sturdy rope and was about to blindfold me when I suddenly blurted out a stupid question.

"Why's your hand sweaty? It feels as if there's a mouth there." I stated innocently.

She raised her hands to reveal two mouths randomly moving their tongues. I felt a shiver down my spine as I looked away. "I get it. Mouths, hands… perfect combination."

"Just shut up." She said indifferently and finally covered my eyes.

"Uhmm, the pretty lady with golden hair is Deidara right?" I asked, trying to sound calm.

"I'm no fucking 'pretty lady', hm." Deidara annoyingly responded.

"Oh, so you're a guy… NO WAIT WHAT?!" I exclaimed. "You're a guy?! But why are you so pretty?!"

"I shall fix your statement then, I'm no fucking pretty lady I'm just that handsome, hm."

"Okay… sudden realization… Breaking news~ Deidara is not, _sadly _a girl. But a man."

"I'd really make you shut your mouth if you won't stop talking."

"Okay then~ I just want to know If I can become an Akatsuki member~ sheesh."

**A/N: So yeah, I've decided to rewrite "My Stupid Mission: Fail!" since the first one was sloppily written by an idiot named, PS. I do hope you guys enjoy this like the last time~ Zatizzall. **

**JAA NE~ **


	2. Member

"You want to become an Akatsuki member?" Deidara rhetorically asked. "Apparently our boss doesn't just accept any criminals. He chooses S-ranked criminals, hm. He studies their background before officially branding them as part of our organization."

"And a mere little girl like you doesn't have a chance to become one." Sasori added.

I'm not surprised that they're cautious in recruiting members since there's this possibility that someone's actually a spy whose purpose is to infiltrate their hideout. As expected from a notorious organization… although, they did make a wrong move in underestimating a _little girl _like me.

"Heh, smart asses I daresay. True, I'm not a famous rogue ninja. Heck, they don't even know I exist. I'm not even in the bingo book. But I prefer it that way. Since I can do my dirty job without any hindrances." I said smugly. _I guess I should just continue my bluffing. _"If I can't be an Akatsuki member then I can't tell you any information about the nine tails."

They remained silent for a moment, as if reconsidering my request.

"Deidara," Sasori started. I was waiting for the next thing he's going to say but I heard nothing. What are they planning to do? They don't plan to kill me off right? They must've noticed that I was just bluffing! Ugh. Seeing nothing sucks. I can't tell what they're doing.

I stood there for almost a minute without anyone of us speaking. I was starting to get impatient when two hands suddenly carried me and rested my whole body on top of his shoulder. _Probably Sasori… no wait. He doesn't have shoulders, ack, it was Mr. Blondie!_

"O-oy! Where the fucking hell are you taking me?! Oy shit holes, you can't make me your prisoner!" I exclaimed. I've always hated strangers carelessly touching me. Isn't it obvious that I don't like people?

"Shut up. I thought you wanted to become a member? If you can't prevent your shitty mouth from saying senseless crap I'd easily end your life then and there, hm." Deidara stated, obviously irritated.

"At least think about who you're carrying! I feel uncomfortable here bastard. Something is pressing your back right now and that something is currently choking me!" I replied back, trying my best not to shout. _My chest is preventing me from breathing air. If Blondie here doesn't plan to put me down after a few minutes I'd die. _

He stiffened after hearing my complaint and suddenly let go of me making me fall on top of a… a… what is this? Is this clay? I tried to dig my fingernails in the clay-like substance and my speculation was right. It was clay.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We're going to our boss." Sasori answered. "And until we get there I suggest you shut your mouth. If you still value your life, that is."

"They keep on commanding me to shut my mouth. Fuck. You don't own me." I mumbled to myself. "Fine, fine. I'll shut up. I don't want to converse with a bunch of psychotic bastards anyway."

They didn't respond to my sassy remark which led me to keep quiet in the end. After shit knows hours the clay-like flying thing-a-mabob finally landed. I didn't get down immediately—I waited for my 'so-called companions' more like captors remove my blindfold and the rope that tied my hands but surprisingly they didn't. Instead, they made me wear a leash. I think it was a leash. _Next thing I know they'll probably lead me to their torture chamber. _

"Just so you know, I'm not into S and M playtime. I'm not a masochist, I'm actually a sadist. And I am not enjoying this one bit." I stated deadpan. _I'm not a pervert, I'm just really knowledgeable about these type of things. _

"Someone has to play the M role now don't you think? Sadly, I'm the S, hm." Blondie responded. He sounds like he's enjoying what he's doing right now.

"I have to report this to Pein-sama." Sasori interrupted. "You take care of this girl."

"Got it danna." Blondie said. I imagine him saluting his master.

Sasori's footsteps eventually drifted away and left me and Deidara alone in shit knows where. "What do you plan to do next?"

He didn't reply. He just tugged on my leash and led me somewhere I believe would be my death bed. When we finally arrived at our destination he removed my blindfold _at last_ and untied the rope as well. I thought he was going to start treating me like a part of their organization but I was wrong. How many wrong assumptions did I make today? I already lost count.

We were inside a dark, humid room with shackles and crap. "This is where they probably torture their captives. " I thought to myself.

He put me in chains; he just doesn't get tired of this huh? At least I can finally see. "You know, I'm starting to think that you suck being around with the female gender. Is this how you treat a dudette?"

He stared at me. "Are you suggesting that you're actually a girl? I haven't noticed it."

"Shut the fuck up Blondie. Unfortunately Kami-sama gave me a body most of the ladies would die for."

"See? It's clearly not noticeable that you're actually a girl. You openly say stuff like _that_ to a GUY, hm. don't you feel awkward at all?"

"Why would I? It's just a body." Apparently I don't know how a guy's hormones work. Deidara just sighed and sat on the floor next to the chained me.

"You're an eccentric one, hm. What's your name anyway?" he asked.

"Hijoshikina, Seikatsu."

"Uroshiku."

"Whatever Kinpatsu. Is there a chance that I become one of you? Because if there isn't I'd gladly leave now. I don't want to waste my precious time waiting for something I won't eventually get."

"Why don't you just wait for Sasori-no danna to get here and tell you the news? You're too impatient, hm."

"I was born with this trait live with it."

"Are you really this bitchy? No wonder you're not famous."

"Now what does that supposed to fucking mean? I'm not a bitch, bastard."

"See? You sass all the time, hm."

"Like I said live with it."

He said nothing more. We waited for Sasori in silence. After I assumed 35 minutes Sasori came into the room, removed my chains and dragged me out, Deidara following behind.

"Am I going to meet your boss now, Sasori-san?"

He nodded in response. It wasn't long when we entered yet another room. It was dark, I can't make out anything inside. My eyes roamed around when it finally landed on someone's eyes—it was someone who has awakened his rinnegan. _It's like his eye sockets have flashlights~ _

"So you must be Hijoshikina, Seikatsu, yes?" the dude asked.

"Y-yes. I am her." I gulped before answering.

"As you may know, I lead this organization. I am Pein. And I've heard from Sasori that you want to become a member of the Akatsuki." Pein said, staring into my eyes.

"Y-yes. " I stammered.

"Alright, fine. Deidara, hand her a cloak." His stare shifted to Blondie.

"Wait, so you accept her Pein-sama?" Deidara asked.

"Yes. I sense her evil aura. That's good enough for her to become part of us. Don't worry. If she's a spy or if she tries to betray us I'll just simply eradicate her existence from this world."

"I see," was all Kinpatsu said.

We left the room right after. He handed me the cloak as he raised his visible brow. "Why were you shaking? What happened to your assertive attitude just now?"

"Who wouldn't get scared of P-P-Pein-sama?!" I grabbed the clothing and wore it on top of my ninja attire. "Forget it. I'll get used to his presence eventually. At least I became an Akatsuki member~!"

"Why do you want to join us anyway?"

"That's because…" _shit, think Seikatsu, think! _"It would be easier to get things done when I'm surrounded by a group of formidable S-ranked criminals. I badly need your help."

"Sounds like you're an incompetent fool, hm."

"Shut up bastard, don't underestimate me."

"Oh sure, I won't underestimate Seikatsu. The one who got scared by her boss' appearance, hm."

"Shut the fuck up."

"You can't tell me what to do, hm."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, oh yeah… who's my partner anyway?"


End file.
